Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Fri Sep 23, 2005 at 12:20:28 am EDT
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Slightly Common Ground
Originally
Lair Legion Living Room: the round robin!!!
In Reply To

Visionary
Wed Sep 21, 2005 at 10:19:14 pm EDT
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Slightly Common Ground, A Continuity-Heavy Crossover for the Lair Legion Living Room Round Robin


Warning: this story alludes to events that have taken place in various other stories posted on the board. Do not be frightened by this! Instead, simply read “Midmorning News,” by CSFB!. “De Brown Streak #23,” by Josh Clement, “Finding the Mark, Part Two,” by yours truly, and “Lair Legion Vignettes #9 or 10: Object Lesson,” by Hatman. There’s an SCTV reference in this tale as well, but that shouldn’t scare anyone.

Trickshot made a mad dash from the archery range. Not bothering to wait for the elevator, he took the emergency stairwell, taking stairs three at a time. He skidded down the Lair Mansion hallway, stopping only briefly at a mirror to adjust his cowlick and groom the crumbs of an English muffin from his goatee. Then he continued his trek to the Living Room itself, where, if rumors could be believed, a pulchritudinous bounty awaited him.

Instead, he got Mr. Epitome reading a newspaper.

“Aw, crud,” the brash bowman exhorted before collapsing on one of the room’s recliners, “They’re gone.”

“Looking for the pornographers?” Epitome inquired.

“Yeah,” Trickshot kicked the seat back into a more prone position and sighed, “What happened to ‘em? You sic the Vice Squad on them or sumpthin’?”

The Paragon of Power looked up and frowned, “If only. No, they’re still here. Yo and Amazing Guy are talking with the women now, in an attempt to dissuade them from their chosen career path.”

“That sounds about right,” Carl Bastion muttered unhappily, “What about the dude?”

“I believe Mr. ah, Ramrod has been deemed incorrigible and beyond rehabilitation. Miss Waltz is running interference with him while Yo meets with the others in the study.”

“Oh, really?” Trickshot cast a sidelong glance towards the door where opportunity awaited.

Mr. Epitome took notice, “I am here to run interference on you, Flapjack, or any of the other over-sexed deviants who make up this team.”

“That sounds about right, too,” Trickshot groused. Epitome smirked and went back to his paper.

The annoying archer stared at Epitome awhile before speaking, “What’s the matter with you, anyway, Clancy? Don’t like girls?”

“I prefer women, actually.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’m just sayin’, if a guy wants to make, uh, introductions with a young lady, or ladies, and grant them the pleasure of his company for say, the Lair Legion Picnic, you should be a sport and stand aside, and let said guy work his magic.”

“Lair Legion Picnic,” Dominic snorted, putting down his paper, “We’re supposed to be an elite meta-crisis response team, not the Kiwanis Club. It’s ridiculous. What’s next, the Lair Legion Donkey Basketball Tournament?”

Trickshot made a face, “Donkey… how does that work?”

“That’s not the-“

“I mean, do ya ride the donkeys, or play against the donkeys, or do the donkeys play each other, or-?”

“Forget the donkeys!” Epitome raised his voice, “I’m just pointing out that there is a lack of professionalism on this team, and events like this just exacerbate the situation.”

“Yeah, throwing bowling balls at scrawny teenage geeks is real professional,” Trickshot noted sarcastically, “Unclench, will ya, Clancy? These ta-dos are a lot of fun. Lots of chicks, open bar, great grub… man, when Jay wears that chef’s hat he can put together quite a spread!”

Dominic scowled, “What, donuts and back bacon? No thanks.”

“Aw, man, don’t hold a grudge. Just ‘cuz Hatty slapped you around like a red-haired step-child fer what ya did to Hacker 9...”

“He did not slap me around,” the Exemplary Man corrected with some authority, “He jumped me and then backed down when I was ready to retaliate.”

“Yeah, well, Jay probably didn’t want ta make things worse than they already wuz, on account of him being a goody-goody an’ all,” Trickshot reasoned.

“Well, he failed miserably,” Epitome adjudged, “A man doesn’t start something he isn’t willing to finish. If Boaz wanted to teach me a lesson by trying to put the beat down on me he should of, not wuss out like he did.”

Trickshot nodded, “Fer once we’re in agreement, Stripsey: I think Jay shoulda put the beat down on ya too,” the wiry bowman stood and adjusted himself, “Well, I’m out. I’ve still got 90 minutes of target practice ta do.”

Dominic nodded with some admiration, “It’s impressive the amount of time you spend honing your marksmanship.”

Bastion blinked, then grinned, “You comin’ on ta me, Clancy? Just ‘cuz I had no shot with the porn stars don’t mean Ol’ Tricky’s outta chances, ya know. Maybe I can convince the Shoggoth to give those Caphans a weekend pass from Lemuria. Show ‘em what ‘paradise’ is really like.”

Mr. Epitome smirked, “Paradise doesn’t usually involve vomit on one’s shoes, tears of recrimination, and a penicillin shot.”

“Ha. Yeah, yer alright, Clancy. You may still be an uptight, muscleheaded bully, but at least yer good for a few laughs,” the annoying archer left with a one-fingered salute for the American Archetype, who shook his head and went back to his paper.





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